The battle within!

I have been here almost three months to the day.

I have sensed my heart slowly growing numb and unfortunately I have begun to look through the distorted lens that are only concerned about myself and myself alone. It has been a disturbing fact that I guess I have neglected to pay attention to only because I would rather not deal with it. I guess I have seen pride creeping up on me, and yet it seems impossible to beat. Many times I see others' pride as nasty and my own as a minor inconvenience, but nothing major. Or, I find me often saying to myself, "wow, that was a humble thing you just did. Good Job!" And once again pride attacks! It is a bitter reality that God has convicted me on time and time again. I am a prideful person! And sometimes the thought that I should consider others' needs does not even hit me. Out of a book that I read, "Authentic Christianity" by Ray Stroud, he says that true humility does not recognize itself. I had to think about it for a sec..."of course it does right?" I mean, it has to at least know. As I pondered on that thought for a minute, I realized that the humility I have hidden behind is not a true humility; it is false. I mask false humility well.

Last week Jordan also lovingly rebuked me about my lack of contentment. This battle is older than my time in Nepal. It started long before. I am an impatient person! I hate to wait! I hate to sit still! I cant stand to have nothing to do! So, as you might have guessed, my time in Nepal has been a learning experience. Much of our time here is so different than our time in America. We have large portions of our day to do as we please. When the kids go to school at 9 am we are free until 4pm when they return. Wanting some structure, I started going to town to check emails, eat different foods for variety, and just to run errands. I have noticed that I have started to expect a certain "schedule" to happen everyday. And if things change then I am not flexible enough to make the shift. It is this "expectancy" that has gotten me into trouble. With Christmas around the corner, I have been making an increasing amount of trips back and forth to town a week. It wears me out! But, I write my own schedule here. Therefore, I control what I do and don't do. I am realizing that I need more down time. I need more time to just sit and enjoy His presence. I need more time to grab a good book and read. I need to be still so that God can speak to me. Sadly enough, I have closed myself off a little bit and started to expect things to happen in a certain way. I have replaced being in Christ, to doing.
I hate being closed off and unavailable for God to work in me. One value that I cling to is to be honest about myself with God and others. So, when confronted about my discontentment, I quickly turned to God in prayer. It was a sweet time. When you feel like you are in the lowest of trenches and you are looking up to the mountains, where you want to be, yet realize you are completely reliant on God for, it is Beautiful! I dislike the process that brings me to these lowly places. But, I love what happens when your sin is before you and a loving God pulls you from it. It is humbling!!!
So, at certain times I notice my heart grows impatient and I am unwilling to wait. It is then, with my struggle fresh in mind, that God asks me to be content. It doesn't matter what I am doing or where I am. It does not matter who I am with or who I am without. Yet, I live as if life was based on every whimsical detail. I live for the temporary and far too often I don't put my HOPE in Christ himself and his return! I put too much value in the things of this world! So, God is teaching me to make the most of what time I have here; to not look at each day as one day less until I return home, but one less opportunity I have to share Christ through my life with a lost people group.
Please, please, please pray for me! I know that in and of myself no lasting change can happen.